An invitation to a mental health life events function and my life's RSVP to repression, stress, being valueless and panic that comes with it. Follow the journeys in this blog …

Well, this is my first time blogging so please be patient with me as I learn the ins and outs of it. My name is Jody but sometimes I go by J, it’s the nickname my mother gave me when I became the teenager that knew everything and was pulling away from childhood. Now, I wish I could pull a “Benjamin Button” and age in reverse to go back to those times. Yet, another impossibilty in this thing called life. So, i continue forward learning and experiencing trials that sometimes make me feel as if I am constantly walking on a bed of hot coals.
But, let’s take a look at that childhood and see some of the early signs of the issues of anxiety, panic, depression and bipolarism that got overlooked. At the age of three, I was a ball of energy and a happy little girl that felt loved by family. I remember watching cartoons on Saturday mornings, playing with other children at the sitter’s house, and great holiday celebrations.
Such a great start so what happened. One of the worst triggers in the world for me has always been the death of a loved one. At three years old, there came that knock, life was at the door saying “he’s not going to make it.” I watched as my grandfather lay writhing on the church floor having a heart attack. I can still see it just like it happened yesterday but it was about fifty years ago. I cried so hard that I interrupted the whole church service. At the age of three, I knew he wouldn’t make it, but it was okay because he was going to be with God. Unfortunately, it was not okay when my parents did not take me to the funeral. I wanted to get to say goodbye but was not able to. Here came the depression again, and please understand I feel things tenfold. Then, I thought who will be next in the family? Who will be the next loved one I will lose? Up went the emotional wall. Put an extra lock on the door so death can’t knock and take someone else. I became quiet and more introverted. I didn’t want to upset anyone and vice versa.
I carried that sadness and those feelings for many years, until I learned a few things about death… one, no matter how hard I try I cannot stop it from happening, two, I have received signs that my loved ones are still around me, three, there is no time limitation on grieving. Do not be ashamed of grieving, it is actually a healthy release, and share your feelings with someone you are comfortable with talking to don’t bottle them up. It has taken me a long time to share my feelings, to say even though I have some issues I can try to work through them. Don’t get me wrong there are some days I want to pull the blankets over my head and stay in the bed but that doesn’t help. It is important not to let your issues overtake you. Take one day at a time and talk about things that are weighing on you mentally. My parents and I didn’t talk about events that occured and they got buried inside me and that makes it so much worse. You are just waiting for all those emotions and thoughts to come pouring out because they don’t go away they fester and make you feel worse until you explode in an emotional outburst that nobody around you will understand except for you.