An invitation to a mental health life events function and my life's RSVP to repression, stress, being valueless and panic that comes with it. Follow the journeys in this blog …

Age four was a bit calmer until I awoke one night to what seemed like a really bad 3D horror movie. I woke up in bed to see the yellow gigham wallpaper coming closer then receding, and repeating this over and over. See, like I said a really bad 3d horror movie. I started to cry and scream at decibel level 10.2 and my mother came running. My mother stayed with me all night as I did manage to get back to sleep. The next morning, I awoke with a vision of two mothers, and two of everything else, as I had developed a lazy eye. She rushed me to the eye doctor as soon as they opened. I was diagnosed with ocular muscle problems, astigmatism, and nearsightedness. I was fitted with a pair of glasses with lenses as thick as the bottom of a glass Coca-Cola bottle. Yea! I could see again; however, something had changed.
I looked in the mirror and I decided I was ugly. The glasses were not flattering and I kept trying to take them off because in my mind they looked hideous. My parents constantly reminded me to put them on. They never told me why I needed them but constantly reminded me if I didn’t wear them my eyesight would be even worse. At four I was afraid of going blind and not wanting to look ugly in society’s norms. At four, it wasn’t about me it was about how I thought I would be perceived and the continuing fear of disease, illness and their consequences. So, I put on the glasses and the fake smile, and didn’t talk about it.
Please understand that children know more and see more than adults may think they do. This was the begining of putting myself on the back burner to please and help everyone else. My mother was the same way and my father was large and in charge… it was his way or the highway. The formative years, how I wish I could go back and redo them. The best thing I can do now is learn from them. I am not ugly, and deserve to be treated as a human being not an object and not a subservient. My self worth matters! I still enjoy helping others but not to an extreme where I end up getting used or treated poorly as a doormat. Take some time each day for yourself to do something you enjoy!