An invitation to a mental health life events function and my life's RSVP to repression, stress, being valueless and panic that comes with it. Follow the journeys in this blog …

It has been difficult for me to say no when it comes to helping people. It goes to the point of being a doormat for others to wipe their feet on. I believe it has to do with the feeling of satisfaction and joy when I can successfully help people. A part of my illness is a chemical imbalance where I don’t produce much serotonin (or what I call happy juice) So happy is a feeling I haven’t experienced often but I am working on it. Medications help me in doing this; however, a fact that I must remember is for me settling is not the answer, but I have to be aware that settling and compromising are two seperate entities. It can be difficult for me because I am pretty much a black and white person with not much grey in between… to me things are right or wrong and all or nothing. This makes dealing with personal relationships extremely complicated.

Personal relationships have been concentrated as small parties containing one or two close friends at a time throughout my life. I am not comfortable in large group settings and prefer those smaller settings. Currently it is just me and my fiancee. Let me present some things that have shaped my feelings about inner and outer relationships. I have been bullied, told I would never find anyone because I was fat, shamed about wearing glasses, given horrible nicknames, accused of being too smart and have never fully come to terms with these harsh comments and incidents that were engrained in me throughout my formative and teenage years. I don’t dwell on them but they always exist in my memories. SInce, I internalized so many emotions and feelings throughout this period of my life it has exacerbated my mental health issues. So since I felt less than, I tried to compensate by going overboard in helping others to better myself. Red flag for me! It didn’t work.

There are people that recognize low-self esteem, and for some reasons of their own, will prey on you as long as you indulge them. My first serious boyfriend came along when I was nineteen. He was twenty-five, worked with his family, and seemed like he had his act together. Come to find out he was in and out of jail, went to work when he felt like it, had a drug habit, and was mentally and physically abusive. Did I walk away from his bad situation? Of course not because I was going to help him. I would change him and get him well because we loved each other. Wrong! He loved stealing my money and being able to control every move I made. I loved the fact that somebody was paying attention to me and telling me what I wanted to hear even though it actually meant nothing. I had “friends” that would ask for favors constantly until I just started saying “How can I help?” to them. I would say that in my whole life I feel I have only had a handful of true friends. I settled for multiple abusive and manipulative relationships because I could feel useful, but have any of those people stayed in touch with me and asked how I was doing? No. At one time I would have found that to be disapponting and question what I had done to cause them to abandon me. Now, i realize that there were no compromises in those relationships. They were extremely one-sided with me going out of my way to “help” them. I find you need to communicate with each other in relationships and find a compromise to issues and problems that need addressing. Both parties should matter. I was settIing for abusive relationships which were a false and embellished healthy facade. I still have difficulty in dealing with relationships because of the situations I have been in. I do not openly trust people, I keep discussions on a level of courtesy rather than discussing deeper issues, and if I feel they are becoming manipulative I do not further associate with them.

I enjoy helping others, but I learned when it taxes me to the point of mental and physical strain it is not a healthy relationship. Even when I find a positive relationship it can go sour, but communication and compromise can go a long way to find a true friend and benefit my mental understanding on how to deal with people.